SMART USE OF THE SMARTPHONE

The following are excerpts from a talk given by Rabbi Yosef Shagalow, PsyD LP, to Oholei Torah parents, October 21 (12 Cheshvan), 2018. Reprinted with permission from Nshei Chabad Newsletter.

Smartphone use is a way for children to connect to each other. For girls it may be strictly a social connection. For boys, sometimes it's an outlet for drives and desires they don't understand and don't know what to do with. When children carry a smartphone around in their pocket, they lose the ability to make good choices. It is inevitable that they will one time be exposed to something inappropriate, and once that exposure happens it cannot be undone.

I want to stress that the problem with smartphones is not exclusively about shmutz. A smartphone is addictive even when not being used for shmutz. But for bachurim and men, that danger is always there and it is a short path to fall into deep, dark places.

An informal survey of bachurim showed that 90% have had exposure to indecent content at least once on their smartphone. When a child is exposed to shmutz online for the first time, it is a traumatic experience. It is something their mind is not able to handle. It will affect the way they look at the opposite sex for their entire life. Once they see it, they cannot take it back. It will stay in their mind forever. I have seen many bachurim and girls who overcame their internet and smartphone addiction, but still experienced trouble later in their marriage because of the content they were exposed to online. It only takes one time for a child to make a mistake and see something inappropriate on the internet. Once they see something they are unlikely to go to their parents to talk about it.

I spoke to the Oholei Torah boys about smartphone use. After my talk, a sweet 16-year-old bachur came over to me and said, "I don't know why you're talking about the smartphone being so addictive. We have a smartphone and computer at home. I go online and use Otzar Hasefarim [sefarim database), then I get off the computer. I'm not addicted at all."

My heart went out to this bachur. He was telling the truth! He really did not see that he was at risk. But was there a filter on his parents' computer? I asked. He said, "We have a tablet at home without a filter, but there's no need for a filter. I never use it." This bachur is a tamim sweet, sincere, everything a bachur should be. But I heard the same story from every girl and bachur that I spoke with. They all started out as sweet and innocent as he is. They do not realize what is out there.

A teen or even an adult can get on the computer with the best of intentions but in one day be exposed to something they shouldn't, and go down a dangerous path. I can't tell you how many people tell me, "I'm addicted to my phone. I can't get off. I end up in places I don't want to be." It begins with a sefarim database but it's downhill from there. People think they're getting on the phone to learn Chitas. They're not.

But we need to be proactive and put controls on to prevent our children from getting access where they shouldn't. We can't control our kids forever and inevitably they will get access, but at least we can protect them for as long as we can. There is no reason a child needs to own their own smartphone or to have it in their pocket at all times.

I agree with the policy of Oholei Torah not to allow any smartphone usage by the bachurim. Until the child's brain is reasonably developed they should not have access to a phone at all. If you do choose to let your child use a smartphone for a limited time, there must be controls on it as well as on the computer and every piece of technology at home. It is possible to put a control on the router so that anything in the home connected to that router will be filtered.

A 20-year-old bachur, the son of a prominent shliach, came to my office to ask for help in breaking his smartphone addiction. However, he was not ready to give up his phone entirely.

In time, after a number of conversations explaining the dangers of smartphone use, he stopped. But he still uses the computer at his parents' home. He called begging me to ask his parents to put a filter on the computer. I spoke to his father, who said, yes, don't worry, I'm taking care of it. The bachur called me a few weeks later. The filter was not put on and he was once again struggling with his addiction.

A mashpia told me that boys will fight desperately if you try to take away their access. But once you put the filter in, after a few weeks they will come over to you and thank you. They want to control their addiction but they can't do it on their own.

Is your child an addict? Look at the child. Does she get irritable with no patience to talk to you? Is he tired a lot? Apathetic? Is she starting to say, "I don't care" about many things? On the outside he can look like a Lubavitch bachur with a hat and jacket. But inside he has lost his cheshek; all his energy is being sucked up by the phone.

Let's talk about filters. I believe that they are not only for kids; all adults should have one. We have a filter on our computer, my wife has the password and can control the features. It saved my life.

I know a yungerman who won't go on the computer when his wife is not home. In my neighborhood in Minneapolis, I have a frum neighbor who brings me his laptop to keep when his wife is out of town. He does not want to expose himself to temptation.

This is a dialogue we need to have with our children, not to our children. It's not a badge of shame. It doesn't mean someone is not trustworthy. Nobody is trustworthy when it comes to the dangers that internet and smartphones present.

Be honest with your children and let them know this is something we all struggle with. Show that we put limits on our own smartphone usage. If kids hear from us that cellphones are bad but they see us on the phone every minute of the day, they learn that when you're an adult you can do what you want. This is a very wrong, dangerous message to send our kids.

Filters can help our children avoid some of the really bad shn1utz out there. One 17-year-old bachur told me he didn't know anything about smartphones. He was at a farbrengen where the mashpia talked about how terrible it is to have unrestricted access to a smartphone. He was curious so when he went home he sat down at the computer to find out what was so bad. He found out pretty quickly and that's how he became an addict. Some kids are exposed just by clicking on a wrong link. By the age of 9 or 10 our children are already exposed to indecent content on the internet.

Baruch Hashem, there is help with this problem. Start with restrictions. Don't feel that you need to give your children a phone just because "everyone" has one.

Do your children a favor and take the risks seriously. You have the power and strength and ability to do something about it. Don't give your children a phone to carry around with them. When your children leave home, you will have less control over what they do, but as long as they live under your roof, you must take steps to protect them.

Start now while you have control.

If your child already has a phone, you need to step in and take control. This is very difficult. The Alter Rebbe says that the purpose of mitzvos aseh is to reveal Elokus in the world. In this area, we are succeeding, B"H. But the nisayon of mitzvos lo sa'aseh is not to reveal Elokus but to show that the world has no metzius. We need to show that the world has no true reality. This nisayon is far more difficult to overcome. When we give up something we desire for Hashem, we show it has no power over us. This is the battle we have to fight today.

Rabbi Dr. Yosef Shagalow, a psychologist in private practice, lives and works in Bloomington, Minnesota. He may be reached at 612.998.5669 or drshagalow@gmail.com

With special thanks to N'shei Chabad Newsletter and nsheichabadnewsletter.com for publishing Rabbi Shagalow's talk and allowing us to use it here.